How to preserve children’s psyches in midst of war? Advice from family psychologist Svitlana Filatova
Family psychologist Svitlana Filatova shares advice on preserving the psychological stability of children in the midst of war:
We count the number of children who have died by the hundreds; we study the lists of little Ukrainians stolen and taken away by the aggressor with anger and sadness. And we also look closely into the eyes of children who have to live in a war-torn country. Hiding from air raids, hearing explosions, learning about the deaths of their relatives...
How to protect children's psyche from the horrors and trials of war as effectively as possible? What should be done to make a child feel needed by his or her country? Censor.NET asked Svitlana Filatova, an individual and family psychologist, about these and other crucial topics.
We started with a tragic event that shook the whole of Ukraine.
- When you heard about the attack on the toxicology department of Okhmatdyt, when you saw all those photos and videos, what was your first reaction? Was it a human, emotional one? Or was it more professional: perhaps you started thinking about what you would do if you were there?
- First and foremost, we are all human beings, and only then are we professionals. That's why my first reaction was incredible sadness, regret and anger that people can do this to others. But this was immediately followed by a more professional reaction: I began to think about the need for people who know how to provide first aid. It's not complicated - it's taught a lot now. You just need to be there; give a clear understanding of what is happening, listen to the person's feelings and emotions and let them feel: "I am here for you. You are safe." Often, the first reaction to such events, especially in a child, is to talk about it. Or vice versa - to shut down and remain silent. The task of adults, once the child is safe, is to help him or her create a narrative, to tell the story of what happened. In this way, the child gets out of the situation and out of the "here and now" experience; makes it part of his or her own experience that has already happened in the past. Therefore, it is important to just listen, be there for them and help them talk more. The task of adults is to give a sense of security.
- We have all seen the photos of my colleague Bohdan Kutepov, when children with hairless chemotherapy are sitting with their mothers in the hospital yard - and you realise how much suffering these children have already endured. And then there is the horror of shelling.
Photo: Bohdan Kutepov
How do you calm them down in this case? How do you reduce this wild stress right here and now - because it probably seems to them that wherever you go, there is trouble everywhere.
- To feel safe, children need a reliable adult by their side. And the mothers did the right thing by not fussing, not running, and staying by their side all the time. In such situations, mothers need to pull themselves together, because their child is looking up to them. They need to calm down and be a reliable adult. And here you need more than just words, because no assurances or promises are a guarantee for these children. The most important thing that can give this feeling, especially in the first wave of danger, is a mother's hands and presence. No matter what happens, mum will save them.
- The other day I saw a video (apparently filmed after the attack) in which a girl of 3-4 years old says to her mother: I'm afraid, missiles, they kill people, I'm worried, people are dying. Her mother replies: don't be afraid, what are you afraid of, I'm with you. But the girl repeats the same thing: anxiety, people are dying. It is clear that this thought has overwhelmed her.
- Yes. This thought will be there now. It will be overwhelming. It is normal to talk through it: the child shares his emotions. And the mother, who is nearby and hears her, says: "Yes, you are afraid. It's really scary when people die. But you are safe now. I am here, I hear you and I protect you." In this way, the mother gives the child very important information: "You have emotions. They are adequate and important. I recognise them and am here to help."
Often this is enough for a child to live through this experience without significant mental trauma. However, for some children who seem to be "stuck" in this experience, it will be advisable to work with a psychologist to process it. In general, when working with children during the war, traumatic events such as the attack on Okhmatdyt should not be concealed. Stories about family experience of survival of generations will be helpful in keeping children hopeful. Unfortunately, it so happened that our parents and grandparents had their own traumatic events. These include the 90s, the Second World War, and other difficult family times. And for children, one of the factors of resilience is to know that their family has already survived in critical situations. When people talk about how their relatives and predecessors went through difficult experiences, how they also had difficulties but survived, it is very supportive for a child. For example, if older relatives survived the Second World War. It is worth showing photos, telling them how difficult it was for them - they also survived the war - but these times are over, and they had a better life afterwards. We need to show this family story. Not a fairy tale about an abstract character, but a story about someone who is close to you. And this narrative then fits very well into a personal story.
- On days like these, when you switch on the TV and information about the war is pouring in, what should be the information hygiene of a family with young and middle-aged children? Less TV and less internet, where they talk about the war? But, on the other hand, there should be some minimum information...
- Very minimal. You have to be very careful about this. Nowadays, when children and teenagers have unlimited access to the Internet, where they can find anything they want, and it is interpreted in different ways, we need to be very careful. It is better if they watch the news with their parents.
- How should this work in practice?
- For example, parents have watched a telegram channel or a video on YouTube. And if this video does not contain blood, open injuries, or unnecessary negative messages, you can watch it with your children. Or retell it to them.
But it definitely needs to be filtered very strongly. At the same time, when a child has already heard some ambiguous news, we should never close ourselves off and say: 'Oh, it's nonsense, don't listen to it and that's it. If we close ourselves off from the child and do not discuss what worries him or her, this creates space for some of our own superstructures. Therefore, it is imperative that you talk to your child about what is happening and what they hear from different sources. Ask: what exactly did you hear? Where did you hear it from? How much do you trust this source of information?
- Well, yes, because there are different sources; you need to know who to trust.
- Here's a living example: in a certain city, the frontline has advanced, and now Russian troops are there. And how to formulate this news? "The city has been surrendered?". I would advise avoiding this. But the phrase "at the moment, the Russians have captured..." gives the feeling that this is not forever, it is a current state that can change. At the same time, we need to explain that the front does not consist of only one place, that sometimes in order for our troops to gain an advantage in a certain direction, they need to move in another. That is, we cannot take the loss of a settlement as an absolute defeat. No, - I have to tell the child - this is a complex multi-step thing, and let's watch what happens next.
- A wise tactic.
- But the news definitely needs to be filtered very heavily, because now there are a lot of distortions, panic statements and a format that is difficult for children to evaluate objectively.
- My friends in their family, in addition to the parental example, try to introduce characters from books that the child reads and loves into crisis situations. The last time it was Pepi Longstocking, who overcame problematic situations with humour, caring for others, and singing. Thus, mum and dad have gained another ally in this situation. Almost a family member!
- This kind of fairy tale therapy is a very effective technique. Why did I advise you to talk about your own experience of overcoming difficulties or the experience of your family first? Because it is closer, clearer and more familiar to the child. But book characters can also play an important role. "Good triumphs over evil" - there must be this narrative. Let's look at a fairy tale - at first, the hero faces difficulties, he retreats a little, but then he gathers his strength and wins. And you can make up such fairy tales on the fly! For example, about a ray of light that came even though it was very difficult and far to get to the ground. For young children under 6, this metaphor is very clear.
- I read from you: try to find wise answers together. Can you elaborate on how this works? After all, wisdom does not come according to a plan.
- Wise answers are precisely about thinking together with your child. Children's questions can be answered briefly and concisely: yes, it's true (or not); don't listen to that, and so on. Or you can analyse a situation with your child.
Let me give you an example. A child came to me and asked: I don't understand why so many of my fathers went to war, and we haven't won yet.
- This is a difficult question.
- You can say: wait, not all at once, everything will come. Or even sometimes, with irritation, answer an "uncomfortable" question. Or we can start thinking together: is victory always quick and easy for heroes? Let's remember the situations when you also made efforts and needed time to cope. Everyone on their own part of the frontline does important things that bring our victory closer.
A separate question: why do Russians do this? We also face such questions from children.
- And this question is a way to address the topic of evil as such.
- That's exactly right. This is a very deep topic. Can evil win? Why do other people do such terrible things? And my child and I talk about how it happens that darkness settles in people. If it is nurtured, it grows. But if you nurture a ray of kindness, compassion, and help for others, it will grow. Now we see that people who have been swallowed up by darkness have attacked our country and are doing many evil things.
It is very difficult to drive darkness out of a person once it has already settled there. That is why it is so important not to let it in. And here we can involve the child in specific actions in this struggle. These are actions at their level - to draw a picture, write a letter to the soldiers to keep them going; maybe cook something and send them a treat.
The wise answer is that if all the forces of good unite, they will always win. Sometimes they need help. And then the children and I can draw the victory of good over evil. Why is it important not only to talk about it, but also to join hands? To write, draw, sculpt? Because strong emotions must find a way out through the body. The body relieves stress. When we ourselves are overwhelmed by a wave of emotions, we need to give them an outlet - run, walk, move. It works for children too. We draw with them who will be in our super team. And the children get involved: we'll call Spiderman! We'll call Superman! We'll call everyone! We will draw these heroes and we will have a super-strong army of goodness! It helps us to get through difficult times.
- Recently, in my Kyiv yard, among the high-rise buildings, small children were playing and shouting: "Attention, a missile is coming to Kyiv! Prepare air defence! I see the target! Fire! Target hit!" Or: "Attention! Enemy planes will be in the launch zone at 2:30 a.m., enemy missiles will enter our space at 4 a.m.!"
I listen to them and realise that this is all the vocabulary of the Telegram channel. And either one of the parents read these messages out loud or they got on it themselves, because everyone has gadgets nowadays. Question: these games are, of course, a reproduction of what is happening around the child. Does it make sense to ban them from such games?
- Such games should never be banned. It seems disturbing to us adults, but in fact, games are how a child experiences reality. Let them play out what they don't understand and figure it out. This is the best prevention of emotional trauma.
You can invent new twists and turns for their games, but let them play. Because in any case, they will live through this war, and we cannot shield them from it.
- By the way, recently, when I read that Denmark gave us armoured personnel carriers and Britain allowed us to hit Russia with its missiles, I thought that this could be adapted in a playful way to the study of geography. Pointing to a map and saying: this is Belgium, it gave us F-16s. This is a very visual thing and should be remembered better.
- Yes, and you can get an outline of the world and draw on it who gave us what. Great geography!
- I just don't know whether it's worth showing the size of Russia on the map, because a child might just get scared.
- We can show how many friends we have! When we are all united - America, all of Europe; together we are bigger than Russia! If you put all our friends together, it's almost the whole world.
Here's another point: don't give your child pseudo-optimism - like, everything will be over tomorrow; here's this weapon - and we'll definitely win next week!
- So children shouldn't listen to Arestovych?
- No, no, no. Pseudo-optimism is bad, because children are waiting for a certain moment, and if it comes and nothing happens, it is a terrible disappointment. Their hopes may simply collapse. Therefore, it is better not to give such pseudo-optimism.
- What's the best way?
- It is better to make it clear that yes, there are losses, there is pain. Do not hide it: "I am also very worried". Show that it is normal to be worried and anxious in such a situation. This is a normal state in the abnormal circumstances in which we all find ourselves now. We don't know exactly when the war will end. But we hope, we have hope, that eventually the light will prevail.
And then, what can we do about it? Actions are very important. Even the smallest thing you can do is your contribution. I know that schools in Lviv organise many fairs where children bake, cook, draw, sculpt and sell something - they raise money for the drone, and thus bring our victory closer in their own way. This is a very good example. A child can make their own efforts, which means they are not helpless. We teach children to be patriots; we teach them that every little effort they make as children is a drop in the bucket of victory. And sooner or later, these drops will prevail.
- We are now talking about what adults should do when they are around children. But what if we start from the opposite? What shouldn't an adult do during a war when a child is around? I'm not just talking about parents, but adults in general.
- First, you can't pretend that everything is fine and nothing is happening. Because the child knows for sure that something is happening. The more a child understands what is happening at his or her own level, the better. You can't give pseudo-optimism either: 'In another week, everything will pass, or right now, and that's it. Or: wait for your dad, he'll be back any day now! You can't do that. You can't dismiss her emotions when she says: "Mum, I'm scared, I'm nervous, I'm worried. Don't say, "Calm down, everything is fine. Also avoid phrases like "It's none of our business, none of your business". It is everyone's business. Many anxieties are based on uncertainty. The more understanding a child has of what is happening, the less anxiety he or she will have.
- Even when children move abroad or to another region of Ukraine?
- Leaving home and moving to another place can be a destabilising experience for a child. And the first tip here is that the child should receive information about what is happening, why and what prospects await them in the near future. Parents should communicate this confidently and unequivocally: "We will spend the next year in this new place because it is safer here. We need to adapt - you will go to this new school, learn the language. I will also adjust my life to the changes. In a year, we will assess the situation and make further decisions. But this is the plan for the next year."
The more a child understands what is happening at his or her level, the better. Because when they just go to nowhere and it is not known for how long, it creates resistance in them. That's why a lot of children who have gone to Poland and other countries rebel at some point. Because everything is not just alien to them there. They do not understand what will happen next. And this uncertainty is very triggering for them.
- If your dad or mum is at the front, how can the family members who stay with the child take care of him or her and maintain the crucial connection with your dad or mum? It is clear that every family has its own recipes and methods. But I am interested to hear your opinion.
- Firstly, the child should understand that dad is away because he is defending his homeland. The more the child is proud of him, the better. We need to talk a lot, tell them about what he does. He is at war, defending you, me and our Motherland. He is doing a very important job. He is fighting against evil, against this darkness. Do you remember when we talked about darkness? Now Dad has joined the army of good.
It is extremely important to maintain the relationship. If you have the opportunity to call, be sure to give the child the opportunity to talk to you personally. One on one. To have that special connection.
It's good to have a picture of your dad. You can look at photos on your phone together where you were together. That is, to nurture emotional contact at a distance.
When a family knows that a father will be joining the army in some time, they need to make some preparations. In addition to everyday things, reconfiguring family processes, you can make such "canned food" - dictate nice audio messages for the child, record a fairy tale reading, or just words of love. Mum can have these messages in her phone. When the child is sad, she can listen to these recordings. An example of such a recording is "I want to tell you my memories of my happy day with you..." Maintaining this emotional contact is very important.
- You can also do it in the opposite direction. Now children can write voice messages too. And dad will be happy to hear it.
- This is very right. And it should be done. Recording audio for dad, drawing a picture that mum can take a photo of and send. The child understands that maintaining emotional contact is a two-way action. This is how people learn to be in close relationships and nurture them.
- I want to ask about air raids and explosions that our children have to endure. My friends' family made a magical room with coloured lanterns, drawings, and colourful sleeping bags out of the closet where children hide from air raids. This is home, Sweet home - a magical room that saves you from missiles and anxiety.
- Very nice.
- Are there any other similar know-how that impressed you as a specialist? And just as a person?
- What you have said is a very good idea. Like in Harry Potter, "room on demand".
Room on demand through the eyes of the makers of the LEGO Harripotter set
There are good examples of parents and children listening to audio stories. Because, in fact, you don't always want to read in such anxiety. Instead, there are now many telegram channels where children's fairy tales are simply dictated. And when the anxiety ends, you stop listening at this point. And then you don't listen to the rest. And the next time you get anxious, you say: oh, let's go listen to this fairy tale.
- What can I say? Rituals save the day.
- Yes. Rituals are very helpful because they are always predictable. For example, OCD works like this when anxious thoughts are extinguished by rituals. Taking action during real anxiety is not OCD, it's a working mechanism for maintaining a healthy psyche.
- What to do with a child's sleep in wartime? After all, many children dream of shelling, sirens, and various disasters - things that their subconscious minds produce at night.
- Here again, rituals come to the rescue! Calming traditions before bedtime: a warm bath or shower. No gadgets 2 hours before bedtime, as they overstimulate the nervous system. Read a good book before bedtime, lie down together, stroke the child's back until he or she falls asleep. This is what calms you down. Perhaps some nightlights, flashlights that project stars on the ceiling. But if you choose only one important tip, it's no gadgets at least before bedtime. When parents complain that their child has trouble sleeping, I firstly emphasise that the child needs to move a lot and get tired. And secondly, I advise them to limit gadgets.
In order for an adult to remain a reliable source of support and security for a child, it is important not to forget to replenish their resources. Time for yourself, rest, healthy eating, enough movement. Imagine that we are in a plane that is depressurised. First, we put on an oxygen mask for ourselves, and then for our child.
Ievhen Kuzmenko, Censor.NET
